Be Still...

ramble sesh'n it

 

 

 

 

 

 

theres no worse feeling than feeling obligated to do something.

 

i love the feeling of having a significant other. i rather enjoy relationships,

although i can tend to be pretty independent, don't let it fool you......

i love when people would invite me places and it was no longer just "demi" its "demi & {fill in blank}"

 

i love being payed for over a nice meal, and all at the same time i love returning the favor.

 

i love seeing someones face light up when you surprise them with something, even if it's just your face unexpectedly to their house or work.

 

it's fun. it really is. to tell someone you love, how much you care about them, love them, to hopefully be able to call that person your best friend and do EVERYTHING together.

 

to no longer have to worry about "what to do all the time" you'll just know you'll take care of each other when you get together for the day.

 

it feels good to know that if all else fails, that person will be there and they love and care about you.

 

 

this has been my life since i was a nug. i have literally never NOT had a boyfriend...

 

starting in 7th grade with Steven Hansen, the one week fling he and i shared together, all though what seemed to be innocent and nothing, bloomed into my curiousity to everything that a relationship entailed.

 

 

leading to my now, 9 and some odd ex boyfriends at the fragile age of 19.

 

i don't know what it is...but i've tried to narrow it down and it has to be something i'm doing, saying? i don't flipping know....but i can't just have a one time make out sesh, one time date, one time ANYTHING!

 

i've always been a girl against random flings here and there, and maybe cause in between boyfriends there wasn't much time for me to experiment in that field. it's ALWAYS turned into more, and then next thing i knew we have been dating for 10+ months and talking about what a future would be like together.... WTF?

 

 

i seriously want to know what i am doing/saying to people to give them the idea that i want more than i am giving them.... cause i don't know if it's some weird curse or spell that's been cast on me at this point. that's what i'm rolling with righ now...

 

don't get me wrong, i learned and grew to have a deep care for the people that it worked out with for a very long time. i really did, but it's the fact that i have never just gone on a date and been like, "later home boy" he's texting/calling me for the next 5 months.

 

 

so anyway, long story short, i honestly feel so obligated lately. now that i am not in a relationship and have all this free time on my hands it's hard for me to find an excuse.

 

not to burst my own bubble, toot my own horn, slap my own face?? but i literally get asked out on a different date at least 3 or 4 times a week. i get a text from at least 5 different guys a day and in some way or another some new guy is trying to talk to me every day, and honestly it's hard! i feel like i'm running some joint and it almost doesn't even feel right or good.....

 

you'd think you'd be like "ah yes so many guys to choose from" "date? why the heck not?" but it honestly stresses me out! i feel obligated to text/call people back and i don't know how to let the ones down that i'm not interested in...

 

it's become a legitimate dilema...

 

in a way, i am honestly so new to this. this whole dating thing i mean....blah..... and when i say new, i'm not at all it just feels like it!

 

 

i'm honestly done, i've had my fun now i just want to be MARRIED

 

THERE, I SAID IT.

 

freak i just want to know who i am supposed to marry already.

 

my mom said to me the other day after a long phone call of complaining, "31 flavors demi, 31 flavors"

 

i'm beyond 31 flavors!!! just tell me who i'm going to end up with already so i can do ME right now and worry about all this jazz no more........

 

ahh the problems of a 19 year old girl. gotta love it...

 

 

 

xoxox demi