Sunday, July 15, 2012

it's been a while since i have just given myself a little time to just write. to just set myself free from every emotion and thought that could possibly be running through my mind at the moment. 

i miss doing this. and it's strange how much it has truly affected me by  not doing it. i used to write novels upon novels about everything and then at times, about completely nothing at all. just random things, thoughts, experiences, feelings, and i haven't been lately, which makes me sad.

i think it is a great thing for you to do. it keeps you sane. it helps you gather your thoughts, and put them all together when you don't know what to do at times. it gives you the time and space away from people to be able to come to terms with your inner self. it feels great. it has a sense of liberating me at times when i need it most.'s to the old habits being renewed    

i am fresh out of high school and loving every minute of the thought of NEVER HAVING TO GO BACK. i don't even want to think about college right now...(i will worry about all of that jazz when that problem arises) for now, i am just trying to live a care free life and love everyone that is in it. i cringe at the thought of getting married and starting a family at the young fragile age of 18. up until now, i honestly thought i had it all figured out. all i can do is laugh when i look back on the past three years of my life. high school. oh, high dumb was i? what a little lying, manipulating, naive little girl i i had friends and people who had supposedly "looked up to me" is beyond me...but then again, i am from the inside. i only see what i choose to see. and i'll be honest, i didn't love and respect myself as much as i should have. i wouldn't change any decision i have made in my life, except for that. i wish i would have loved myself as much as i knew the people around me did. i know that a lot of the daily decisions made in high school, were a mirror reflection of who i thought i was, and who i thought i would never become. "you cannot love someone if you do not first love yourself." looking back now, that was my biggest problem in every relationship i ever had! i couldn't have possibly loved someone else, or believed that they loved me, when i, myself wasn't content with who i was. i'm proud to say, that in the most humble way possible, that perspective of myself has completely changed. and i am more grateful for that now, than ever. with that new view of myself, and life, i am able to realize that there is more to life than what meets then eye. i have a better understanding of God's plan for me, and i no longer feel the need to be in control of that. God knows what is best for me. and he also knows my strength and weaknesses. he knows that there is nothing that he has put in my way that i physically, spiritually, and mentally cannot handle. and for that i am eternally grateful. i am a happy loving girl. and if you are ever on my bad side, it is never out of pure hatred, spite, or jealousy. it is because you have hurt me, or someone i love. i am vulnerable, and i get taken advantage of because of it. i may seem to have a tough shell...but that is only from the hurt that i have experienced in my life. i've seen a lot more hurt, betrayal, and dishonesty than any 18 year old should have to see in her short lifetime...but through those experiences i am grateful. they have made me who i am. they have made me realize what i do not want. i believe that is why i am the way i am. i am careful. because i know that i don't want to end up on the back end of all of those things that i have already had to witness. sometimes i am too careful...i am in love with my best friend. and at times, it honestly is hard for me to not just throw in the towel and say "what the heck, let's just get married already" it's THAT perfect. but what i have to realize is that there is a time and a place for that, and  i KNOW that, that time is not now. and i have been confirmed that to be true. faith. something i sometimes lack... i am closer to my family now then i ever have been in my entire life. my mom is one of my dearest friends. and i love her with my entire being. i respect her more than any other person on this earth. her insight of things means the most to me, and sometimes i hate it...haha but i know she knows what she is talking about, and i know she only wants the very best for me. my sissy soul is one of a kind! along with the rest of my siblings. i love having sleep overs with dallin:) he is honestly perfect. i envy him at times..he being the only one. life is great. and i find myself not being as grateful for it as i should at times...i have nothing to complain about. i have a wonderful loving family, great friends, the gospel, a good job, and the freedom to do whatever i choose. what's to complain about? i love america. seriously. not just that, i am completely obsessed with red white and blue! i am a complete feen! ha i have been having the gnarliest dream lately...i hate that! i'm determined to kick these dreams in the butt...well i think that is enough rambling on to sooth my soul for now! until next time,

love, demi

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