ramble sesh'n it

 

 

 

 

 

 

theres no worse feeling than feeling obligated to do something.

 

i love the feeling of having a significant other. i rather enjoy relationships,

although i can tend to be pretty independent, don't let it fool you......

i love when people would invite me places and it was no longer just "demi" its "demi & {fill in blank}"

 

i love being payed for over a nice meal, and all at the same time i love returning the favor.

 

i love seeing someones face light up when you surprise them with something, even if it's just your face unexpectedly to their house or work.

 

it's fun. it really is. to tell someone you love, how much you care about them, love them, to hopefully be able to call that person your best friend and do EVERYTHING together.

 

to no longer have to worry about "what to do all the time" you'll just know you'll take care of each other when you get together for the day.

 

it feels good to know that if all else fails, that person will be there and they love and care about you.

 

 

this has been my life since i was a nug. i have literally never NOT had a boyfriend...

 

starting in 7th grade with Steven Hansen, the one week fling he and i shared together, all though what seemed to be innocent and nothing, bloomed into my curiousity to everything that a relationship entailed.

 

 

leading to my now, 9 and some odd ex boyfriends at the fragile age of 19.

 

i don't know what it is...but i've tried to narrow it down and it has to be something i'm doing, saying? i don't flipping know....but i can't just have a one time make out sesh, one time date, one time ANYTHING!

 

i've always been a girl against random flings here and there, and maybe cause in between boyfriends there wasn't much time for me to experiment in that field. it's ALWAYS turned into more, and then next thing i knew we have been dating for 10+ months and talking about what a future would be like together.... WTF?

 

 

i seriously want to know what i am doing/saying to people to give them the idea that i want more than i am giving them.... cause i don't know if it's some weird curse or spell that's been cast on me at this point. that's what i'm rolling with righ now...

 

don't get me wrong, i learned and grew to have a deep care for the people that it worked out with for a very long time. i really did, but it's the fact that i have never just gone on a date and been like, "later home boy" he's texting/calling me for the next 5 months.

 

 

so anyway, long story short, i honestly feel so obligated lately. now that i am not in a relationship and have all this free time on my hands it's hard for me to find an excuse.

 

not to burst my own bubble, toot my own horn, slap my own face?? but i literally get asked out on a different date at least 3 or 4 times a week. i get a text from at least 5 different guys a day and in some way or another some new guy is trying to talk to me every day, and honestly it's hard! i feel like i'm running some joint and it almost doesn't even feel right or good.....

 

you'd think you'd be like "ah yes so many guys to choose from" "date? why the heck not?" but it honestly stresses me out! i feel obligated to text/call people back and i don't know how to let the ones down that i'm not interested in...

 

it's become a legitimate dilema...

 

in a way, i am honestly so new to this. this whole dating thing i mean....blah..... and when i say new, i'm not at all it just feels like it!

 

 

i'm honestly done, i've had my fun now i just want to be MARRIED

 

THERE, I SAID IT.

 

freak i just want to know who i am supposed to marry already.

 

my mom said to me the other day after a long phone call of complaining, "31 flavors demi, 31 flavors"

 

i'm beyond 31 flavors!!! just tell me who i'm going to end up with already so i can do ME right now and worry about all this jazz no more........

 

ahh the problems of a 19 year old girl. gotta love it...

 

 

 

xoxox demi

ready set go.

 

 

i went to a doterra meeting last week with a couple of friends, if you are not aware of what that magic stuff is, get on that level. it seriously is amaze! get familiar.

 

so anyway, at the meeting they talked a lot about healing your "inner self" and how a lot of problems you may have can tend to be a lot deeper than just physical.

at the end, they tested each of us to let us know what we were lacking both physically, and emotionally. surprise surprise, of course i was lacking one that had to do with not giving myself enough time.

at first it kind of confused me...i could've almost diagnosed myself with the heart break oil, or lack of sleep, or maybe something that clearly said "QUIT EATING LIKE COMPLETE SHIZ AND WORK OUT FOR CRYING OUT LOUD"

as of late, i've felt so selfish. i've felt like i haven't been spending enough time with my family, and friends, asking each sibling how they are doing, i didn't even know that my brother was on the high school basketball team, what kind of sister am i? he hit a 3 point buzzer beater to win against one of their biggest rivals, and i wasn't there to witness it..

dallin tried showing me a picture of him last night and kept saying over and over, "demi, demi, look at this, come here quick, look at this" laughing of course. i turned to him frustrated and said, "dall, i don't have time!!! i have a date! i need to get ready, hold on!!"

what the hell demi? that is not like you at all......so that's when it hit me.

not only am i not spending any time on anyone else, but i have completely forgotten ME.

i truly believe the second you forget to fulfil your needs and make sure you are where you need to be, is the second you forget about the needs of other people...it's a horrible thing to have to admit, but shamefully i am doing so..

as much fun as having a different date every night of the week is, family wanting to hang out, friends wanting to do stuff, work asking me if i want extra hours and who knows where church fits in anymore.....i honestly have never felt less myself in my entire life.

someone asked me last night, tell me who "demi" is. what does she think about? what's running through her head when she isn't talking....

HOLD UP......heart attack! as if i can even think about answering a question like that!!


but then i thought, no, this is good. i sat there and actually thought, i gathered my thoughts for the first time in who knows how long, and i thought about ME. what do i like? what DO i think about..? do i even think anymore? honestly i feel like i act before doing things lately...its so bad.


but it honestly made me realize things which i am so grateful for! i was able to sit there and list off a whole list of things that i seriously have a passion for, things i think about, things i feel about, what i want in life, and things i want to accomplish before i die.


and well, i think i figured it out. i want to do SO  many things. i want to be successful. i want to serve people, i want to go to school, i want to get good at photography, i want to be a wifey and a mum {eeeeee} i want all of these things, and i am not doing anthying to accomplish them!


i'm going on dates every other night, stressing about what to wear, what i'm going to talk about, how i'm going to dodge the kiss, and i'm worrying about EVERYTHING but what i want for myself.

makes sense.



it makes sense why my body would be screaming to give myself time!! even if i just sit here and blog for myself, think, and BREATHE.

i don't even mind that i may be talking to myself right now. it feels good.

and it's something i enjoy for MYSELF. and doing ME for a while, aint gonna be too bad.







xoxo demi 

 

 

 

 

let's talk VINE:

 

 

 

uhm....i am seriously obsessed! overly...


i think i posted about 15 different vids up yesterday....haha sorry everyone.
add me up!


demi kee OR demilucymay. duh.



xoxo demi

YOU CAN'T PLEASE EVERYONE.
 THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO WAY YOU CAN......

SO DON'T SET YOURSELF UP FOR FAILURE BY TRYING TO DO SO. DO WHAT IS GOING TO MAKE YOU HAPPY. REGARDLESS OF ANY CIRCUMSTANCE. IT IS YOUR LIFE, YOUR HAPPINESS, AND YOUR CHOICES. YES, SOME OF YOUR DECISIONS MAY AFFECT THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU, BUT DOESN'T EVERY DESICION IN SOME WAY?

YOU HAVE TO DO YOU. YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT YOU WANT AND FEEL IS BEST FOR YOURSELF BEFORE YOU WORRY ABOUT WHAT EVERYONE ELSE AROUND YOU IS GOING TO THINK.

I'VE BEEN SO BLESSED WITH A FAMILY WHO DOESN'T JUDGE. THEY KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT ME, AND QUITE FRANKLY HAVE EVERY REASON TO WORRY IF I'LL MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION IN SITUATIONS, BUT THEY UNDERSTAND SOMETHING THAT MOST FAMILY MEMBERS DON'T, THAT I AM GOING TO DO WHAT I WANT, AND FEEL THE NEED TO DO, AND THEM GOING AGAINST IT WILL ONLY BRING TENTION BETWEEN US.

IT MAKES ME SO DISAPPOINTED TO HEAR THAT THE REASON PEOPLE DON'T GET MARRIED TO SOMEONE, DATE SOMEONE, OR DO SOMETHING THEY WANT TO DO, IS BECAUSE OF WHAT THEIR FAMILY MIGHT THINK. MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE I'M NOT A JUDGMENTAL PERSON...I'M NOT SURE, I JUST NEVER HAVE BEEN. I KNOW WHAT IS RIGHT, AND WHAT IS WRONG, AND I KNOW THAT MAYBE SOMETIMES THE THINGS PEOPLE DO ARE SELFISH, BUT I WOULD NEVER TELL SOMEONE TO DO SOMETHING A CERTAIN WAY OR DO IT DIFFERENTLY.

PEOPLE NEED TO LEARN ON THEIR OWN TIME, IN THEIR OWN WAY, AND IT DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY EASIER TO DO THAT WHEN YOU FEEL PRESSURE FROM EVERYONE ELSE AROUND YOU TO DO IT THEIR WAY. THEY WILL LIVE THEIR LIFE, AND YOU WILL LIVE YOURS. THAT'S HOW IT SHOULD BE....I DON'T BELIEVE YOU CAN LIVE UP TO YOUR FULLEST POTENTIAL AND LEARN ALL OF THE THINGS YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO LEARN IF YOU ARE LIVING FOR OTHER PEOPLE EVERY DAY. YOU NEED TO FIND YOU, AND STICK TO YOU.

IT SOUNDS SO CLICHE' "DON'T CHANGE WHO YOU ARE" BUT IT'S HONESTLY SO TRUE...WHY BE ANYONE BUT YOURSELF?

"YOU WERE BORN AN ORIGINAL, DON'T DIE A COPY"

MAKE YOUR OWN DECISIONS, AND DO WHAT WILL TRULY MAKE YOU HAPPY AND YOU OR ANYONE ELSE WON'T HAVE TO WORRY OR REGRET IT.

YOU KNOW YOU BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE, I DON'T CARE WHAT YOUR MUM, BOYFRIEND, SISTER, BESTFREIND, HUSBAND OR ANYONE ELSE SAYS.

YOU ARE YOU, AND THAT'S TRUER THAN TRUE.....HAHA

DO WHAT'S GOING TO MAKE YOU HAPPY. PERIOD.

THAT'S MY LIL SPEAL FOR THE DAY......

XOXO DEMI

15 THINGS...

so i was tagged by the beautiful Laura Varella to bore you guys with 25 facts about myself!

i actually didn't see the tag until i had already answered my last emails request of 10 things about me, or else i would have totally just tied it in together..

so since that is the case i am just going to give another 15 to make a grand total of 25..

1• i have a serious obsession with chap stick. and with lips! oh and also with the way my lips feel. they have to be smooth as a baby's bottom! i brush my lips with my toothbrush more times throughout the day than i can count. i'm cringing telling you this, you will all think i'm a nut job, but every now and again i'll get as crazy as exfoliating my lips with a sugar and water mixture, makes em taste and feel great!

2• which leads me to my obsession with kissing..now don't take this in any "i kiss who i want, when i want" type of thing...i just love the feeling! ha when it's with someone you care about obviously...naw im sayin? alright...moving on!

3• jewelry. i simply wear too much of it. i'm constantly doubling up dem necklaces, stacks on stacks of bracelets and rings and no matter how many rings i buy, i can't help but stop and look at every place that has em, im a sucker for turquoise and silver things dat blang blang.

4• lemonade is mah drink! my veins no longer consist of blood, it is strictly water and lemonade. erry day erry day.

5• i have a genuine deep love for utah. {am i really crying right now?} i have seriously grown to love this place so much it's unreal.....growing up i was constantly wanting to "get out" to be by the beach, to feel the sun beat down on my back all year round, get black black BLACK and run around shoeless on the beach in nothing but a swimsuit every day, that was my dream! i always promised myself and everyone that i would marry some brown babe and move to hawaii and our kids would run around shirtless and never cut their hair...i guess not much of that has changed other than the fact that i never want to leave this place. ever. this is my home, born and raised, my worst, best, favorite, and least favorite memories and people are held here...i don't know if i could ever give that up. i used to be the biggest debby downer when winter hit! when fall would drag out....when it got too hot. now, i can't get enough of each season, every day is different. i am so grateful to live in this beautiful place! every sunset is different, there is nothing like a utah sunset...the change in smell and the seasons come and go, the MOUNTAINS. omg do not get me started....pine trees are my latest obsession. love this place more than anything.

6• i secretly wish i could pop it like beyonce. mhmm.

7• hi, my name is demi and i am addicted to vampire diaries, prison break, and the walking dead.

8• i break out in crazy dance moves, but only few people have witnessed it for themselves. including mcklendon, joe, natalie, dylan, and hannah! you have to be one lucky dawg to take part in such an act! there is enough footage of it taken by these fools to be leaked for years......maybe if ya'll errr lucky i'll post one up someday...

9• i love photography. i can't wait to learn more about it and get started in the field here shortly! it's so intriguing to me.

10• sob story, i fall in love with people super easy, fast, and hard. and i get stuck on them for the longest time...i'm to the point now where i am honestly scared to get close to another person. i feel like things go so great for so long with someone, just long enough for me to screw things up.. i have nightmares about never getting married, at 19, yes it's become a fear, and commitment scares me the more and more i think about it...i'm scared that i'm going to marry the wrong person...i don't know why, i know God is aware and has a plan for me, but the thought of it freaks me out! i'll just buy 15 huskys and adopt 27 brown nuggets and call it good. who needs a stinky old husband anyway...right? 

11• i'm a very sentimental person. i keep everything that anyone has ever given me! even if i no longer associate with certain people, i'm constantly thinking, "i could show my kids these one day" or "my kids will think this shirt is sick 20 years from now" my closet is chuck full of junk! when i say junk i mean some of my most precious, embarrassing, and memorable memories! letters, pictures, gifts, gum wrappers, receipts, ticket stubs, tags, water bottles, empty lotion and perfume bottles, old cell phones, school work, notes, broken bracelets {intending to remake them one day, never gonna happen demi} all kinds of stuff. memories are important to me..

12• i really should be majoring in english, i have a grammar fetish..i absolutely cannot stand when people use the wrong kinds of, your, you're, to, two, too it drives me up the wall! just learn it gosh dang it!! and don't forget it! i love to read and write as well...maybe i'll double major in it or something.

13• need i say this one once again? i love music guys...i seriously do. there is NEVER a time that i am not listening to music or singing. it goes with me everywhere. every situation is better with music, showering, getting ready, working, doing homework, while im SHOPPING yes shopping, and not even through head phones just blasting it out loud, gettin down wit it;) eeeee did i just say that?? i'm very picky about my music though, and i have to definitely be in certain moods for certain stuff. i got the best playlist going on right now though. just got done listening to some R Kelly and Usher, and now im onto some Ben Rector. i have a deep passion for music. which also makes me it's biggest critique...i've learned so much about music. it's history, every note, every genre. i've sung and played piano since before i can remember, it's honestly a part of who i am.

14• i am a proud member of the church of jesus christ of latter day saints. a very, very proud member. the gospel is what keeps this little caboose rolling, even when i feel like throwing dem hands up and giving up. God is real, and he loves each of us more than we could ever comprehend. everything happens for a reason and is for our own good. and prayer is real.

15• lastly, i am a talker! i can talk for days on days...it is probably one of my favorite things to do. i love getting to know new people, reminiscing with old friends, and talking about things late at night that you would usually never talk about haha my average conversation usually drags out for a solid 7 or 8 hours..i don't know what it is, i literally never run out of things to talk about! i just have so many thoughts on things and i love learning knew things as well. i just have so many deep rooted feelings about things....if we're talking about love, past relationships, where things went wrong, what i wish i would have done different, GOOD LUCK. be prepared to get your ear talked off. i cry a lot too! like a lot...i am a very sensitive person. so if we're talking late at night and emotions are rolling, be prepared for tears! i'm a problem solver, i like figuring things out and i hate hard feelings, i can't stand the thought of hurting someone or someone having hard feelings toward me. when i apologize, it's genuine and i mean it.

well, enough about me!! i want to hear from you lovely ladies and gent......

Natalie Tueller

Alisha Card

Megnog Holden

Joseph Thomas Sykes

Jessica Freeze

Tiff Allen

Shelby Deason

Zoe Laz

Jenny Aubry

Mckayla

Annie Holdsworth

Danny Julian

xoxo demi