Wednesday, June 6, 2012

You asked me today if I hated you. My answer? No, I don't hate you, I could never hate you. I just hate what you did to me. I hate your lies. No, I don't hate you, I just can't look at you without  getting sick.

When your throat starts to burn, and your heartbeat speeds up, when your stomach tightens, and your lungs close up, when your tears rush to your eyes faster than you ever dreamed possible, that’s the worst pain you will ever feel. That’s your heart breaking.

This is life. People will screw you over. You’ll fight with your family. You’ll witness things that will change you forever. You’ll blame new lovers for things old lovers did. You’ll lose best friends you thought would always be there. You’ll come to realize that everyone has a past. You’ll cry, you’ll laugh, and you’ll embarrass yourself. But then, you’ll find your very own moment where none of that matters; where you can sit back and realize that shit happens to the people who can handle it and that this is who you are, and that no one should want to change you, including yourself.

when you asked me to kiss you, i told you no. it wasn't because i didn't want to. because i did, i wanted to kiss you hard. and for a very long time....but the truth was, i didn't want to kiss you goodbye, i wanted to kiss you forever. i wanted that kiss to say, i'm yours...but then that would have made me even more vulnerable than i already was. that kiss would have broken my heart even more because i knew it'd be our last.

When he left, I guess the old me kinda just went with him. When someone makes that big of an impact on your life, how could you ever be the same? He made me really believe we could last forever, and now I don't know if I'll ever be able to believe in forever again. He took my trust and hope. He took my insecurities to depend on people, and to wait for nothing. But I guess that's a good thing, right? It made me realize that I don't need anyone, because the one person who swore he needed me showed me he didn't. 

Get over him. He’s not even worth it. He is not worth your time or your tears. Yeah you loved him, I know that. And I know you just can’t see yourself with anyone other than him, I get that. I’ve been there. But why should you spend all your time sitting at home, bawling your eyes out and wondering where he is and who he is with. Do you honestly think he is thinking about you? No. Sure it hurts, the fact that he is out there falling in and out of love with other girls. Yeah you’re going to see him with one of his new girlfriends. Prepare yourself, because straight up; it’s gonna hurt. He will hold her a little closer and squeeze her hand a little tighter just because he knows you’re watching. He knows it’s killing you; and that’s why he will do it. Don’t let him get to you because that, well that’s exactly what he wants. Don’t give him what he wants. He doesn’t even deserve it. So what if he doesn’t talk to you? Do you honestly wanna be friends with an asshole like him anyway? Thing is, I know you still do. But give it time. Because all he would do is talk about his new girlfriend and just try and make you jealous, and really. Do you want to hear that? No. So screw him and his girlfriend. He will be sorry, trust me. When he finally sees you with some other guy who’s not him. With that huge grin on your face and your boyfriend holding you close, he will realize how happy you are now. And how happy your boyfriend is because he has you; the girl of his dreams. He will realize the huge mistake he made when he let you go, when he decided to choose her over you, when he decided he just did not love you the same. Trust me, he will be sorry. So don’t go on spending your nights waiting for that one phone call you know you’ll never get. Or that text you know he will never send you simply because he likes to ignore you. He likes to pretend he doesn't see you online, and he does it out of spite just because he knows it’s killing you. When you run into him, he is gonna look past you, but you need to know he only does that because he knows somewhere inside you, it will hurt. I’m not gonna lie to you. It will hurt. It will hurt a lot. But it will hurt even more when you see her name and how much he loves her in his profile. It’s all going to hurt. Knowing you’re not the girl that’s making him smile. Knowing you’re not the first person he thinks of when he wakes up and the last before he goes to sleep. Knowing you’re not the face on his wallpaper. Knowing you won’t be spending every single moment possible with him. Knowing there’s not going to be anymore late night phone calls arguing about who loves who the most. And you know what? Today, tomorrow, next week, or maybe months from now; your phone will go off with a text message, you will instantly grab your phone hoping it’s him saying he wants to give your relationship another shot. But trust me; he’s got too much pride. Even if he wanted to get back together with you, he wouldn’t tell you. You’re soon going to realize he doesn’t care about you anymore and he won’t be the first person you think of calling when you’re upset. He won’t be the one to put that smile back on your face. And yeah it’s going to hurt; its going to hurt a lot. But you know what you’re going to do? You’re going to hold your head up. You’re going to show him you’re better off without him and you don’t need him in your life. You’re going to prove to him that he made the biggest mistake of his life by letting you go and that you never really needed him anyway.

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