at first, i didn't get why we had to be apart, why we couldn't talk, why you said it'd be too hard to have each other in our lives even the slightest bit, why you said to stay away from our friends and families, until i had to hear your voice yesterday.
up until then, i was handling it. i was coping. i was learning to accept the fact that it was over. i could see your friends and family and not hurt. the tears couldn't come anymore.. honestly, without seeing or hearing from you before yesterday i felt like you didn't exist anymore. . hearing that you were over me was helping. knowing you didn't want me was forcing the acceptance. . . and then i heard your voice. you were talking to me, and it didn't matter what i had thought 5 seconds before then or how bitter i had felt or what i thought to be true from the things i heard. you were ACTUALLY talking to me. i'll admit, i couldn't breath. when i saw those missed calls from you i literally almost passed out. i debated calling or not, cause i knew it would hurt both of us too much. and the second i heard your voice, i knew it wasn't over for me....i knew the hell i would be putting myself through for who knows how long, not being over you.
i'm now forced to give up all over again. the only difference is, now i have to do it all on my own. i feel like a literal psycho...caring so much. knowing that someone doesn't need or want me, and they are all i can think about. but i guess that's just what i have to deal with. and every time i see you, every time i hear about you, i'll have to re-live losing you. every time.
because seeing you somewhere without me, doesn't feel right.
hearing about you, doesn't feel right.
and now even thinking about you, feels like a complete crime.
it's weird how you can go from feeling one thing to the next in an instant. start to accept something in your life, learn to stop the tears, the hurt, and all in an instant it returns. from a simple, familiar VOICE.
the mind and spirits are such sensitive things...it's unreal. it attaches itself so strongly that it is honestly impossible to let go. i'm not sure that i ever fully will. and that scares the hell out of me.